An Idea Some Day

  I've never been a gamer. Even as a kid, it felt like too much effort for little reward. Clicking all those buttons, making all those decisions, reacting quickly (never my strong suit) again and again. But I've always kinda enjoyed watching other people play them. Immersing yourself in a world and a story and letting it wash over you is relaxing. And letting it happen without all the aforementioned effort makes watching games unfold far more relaxing than actually playing them (and isn't the ultimate purpose of a computer game to relax and have fun, after all?). So, in my youth, I'd watch my friends play their PlayStation games. And I'd reluctantly join in briefly now and again before quickly getting frustrated or overwhelmed and handing the controller back to its rightful owner. And, in later years (my thirties, I guess), I'd sometimes zone out to a Twitch stream late at night until I was ready to sleep. But, on a whim, I recently bought a handheld retro gami...

Strange week. Mat’s funeral on Monday. Good turnout. I was far more emotional than I expected. Having kids changes you and makes you more aware of your own mortality, I think. General Eletion today. Did the deed of voting, as always. Lets see what changes it brings.  Woke up one morning a few days back to hear Z saying “Ansel play, Ansel play” through the monitor. He was stood in his cot obvs calling over to his sleeping brother. Stark contrast to his usual crying for Mummy, and a sure sign they’re enjoying playing together. Lovely seeing them become friends, not just brothers.  A had two settling in sessions at school this week. Seemed to go well. I just hope we’ve done the right thing sending him to a school outside the village. Hard to know. Might be amazing, but might regret it later. Time will tell. Watched Everybody Street this week. Great doc. Big takeaway: Don’t listen to dogma. Find your authentic voice and do what works for you. Understand why you’re doing something,...

 Becoming a dad is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Before parenthood, I felt my life lacked meaning, and I would get involved in all kinds of projects searching for it. Now meaning is abundant in my life, and I’m no longer chasing an elusive something to fill the void. — Beautiful day. High 20s all day. Spent four hours in BJ play park with the boys. Had the place to ourselves as it is midweek in term time. We went on the swings, snacked in the shade, rode bikes and trikes, and played football. Took them for haircuts. They both look so good. A was such a good big brother. (I heard him say “Which car do you want, Zen?” As they played in the lounge while I packed bags in the kitchen. And he helped calm Z with dinosaur books when he got upset while having his hair cut.) Hung out in the garden as a family of four in the evening. Just a beautiful, wholesome day.  Nice to see a bubbling demijohn in the kitchen—a blast from the past.

 Took A for an evening stroll to pick elderflowers so I could make a lemon & elderflower ale tonight. Char came out of the bedroom after putting Z to sleep, sniffed the air, and asked, “Has one of the cats pissed in the house?” Guess I’ll be drinking the ale myself when it’s ready (unless it actually tastes like cat piss)

Lovely day. Collected Herbie’s remains from the vets (they were very sweet about it) and spent the morning knocking an email sequence into shape. (Happy with it.)  Took the boys to Colwick Park for the afternoon. Perfect weather. Did 1.5 laps of the lake. A rode his bike the whole way. Stopped for lovely ice creams at Wired On Wheels and had a little kick about on the grass by the lake. The flip side is that the boys fell asleep on the way home and didn’t go to bed until late, A not falling asleep until 10pm. Oh well. Worth it for the nice afternoon together.

  Lovely day. Woke up feeling artfully inspired; then at breakfast, the boys wanted to paint, so I joined in and painted a still life of Z’s cup. Felt good. Usual Saturday routine, then after swimming, Sarah M came round to do a half-day documentary photography session with us, which was cool. Great to see A being comfortable with her and showing her his toys etc. She even covered bed time, and A proudly showed her his bin. “When I wee my pants, that’s where they go.” Started drawing a picture of Char and Z based on a photo I took at swimming today. Drawing the water will be a fun challenge. Lovely snsm.

  Herbie’s last day on Earth. Only last month I asked Char how we would know when he’s ready to go. But after seeing him lose so much weight this month and spending all his time looking sad and completely inactive with a forlorn face, it was clear his time had come. He’d lost 500g (1/6th of his bodyweight) in the last month, and when he was offered his bed after the vet had prepped his canular this afternoon, he willingly got into it and curled into his trademark resting pose with his cheek on his front paws and seemed ready (possibly even relieved) to go. I looked into his eyes as he passed. It was very quick and peaceful. I felt a mixture of sadness and relief, and knew it was the right decision—kinder than watching him wither away any longer.  RIP Herbie Big Paws, you were a sweet, silent, good natured cat who never asked for anything and always enjoyed a good stroke. I thought you’d outlast the rest of the gang, but your illness got the better of you. I hope you now have t...

 Worked out for the first time this year. Felt good. Let’s hope I’m out of my physical funk and the habit sticks. Herbie is not well. He’s lost a lot of weight and is very skinny with a distended abdomen. Minimal movement and very quiet. No longer purrs or responds when touched. Sad to see. Might be his last night. Gave him some cuddles in the armchair, but he was pretty withdrawn. Poor guy. Work keeps coming in and next month is looking good. Still keen to find some new opportunities and keep things fresh though. Should hopefully find some time in June. 

  Sunday night after a lovely weekend. Bright and warm both days and a good mix of family time and getting things done. Took A to the tip to clear some garden waste this evening and drove past one of my favourite local views—looking down from the top of Calverton Bank to Woodborough in the valley below the farm fields, with the evening sun giving everything a warm glow—windows open with warm air billowing into the car. “Look over there Ansel, isn’t it beautiful?” “Yes, it’s beautiful, Daddy.” Great snsm last night, and my first bath in six days tonight, which was heavenly. Life is good.

 It’s Friday night. I’m enjoying a Hemingway Daquari after a week full of client work (all of which has been well received). Last Friday, there was a huge solar storm, which meant I could see Aurora Borealis from my garden. It looked different from what I expected. Less colourful and more static, but impressive nonetheless. Charlotte and I sat back on the sunchairs in the balmy nighttime air and gazed up at what looked like a huge cosmic eagle or angel soaring across half the sky. Shafts of light in subtle pink and green hues emanated from a single point high above us. It reminded me of the beams of light coming through the windows of Grand Central Station in those famous old photos but on an even grander scale. This morning, Ansel told me he could juggle and asked me to watch as he held two balls above his head and threw them in random directions. He was proud of himself, and when I tried to explain that the objective is to throw each ball and catch it in the other hand (giving hi...

 I can’t believe we’ve already ripped through a week of the fifth month of the year already. New Year’s Day on the beach feels like only a couple of months ago. But here we are. Mid-spring and everything is suddenly looking green. Much warmer too. Almost looks and feels like summer. Took the boys to a cute family farm with a vintage car collection as an added attraction. Had a great time and fed my first cow (we all did). Drove home listening to Pete Doherty acoustic numbers in the late afternoon sun while both boys slept and Albion rolled by outside. Lovely day.  Haven’t worked out since before Christmas. Starting to get skinny fat.

 Early start for two children’s birthday parties after 4 hours sleep. V tired. Thankfully Char drove and I dozed in the car. I deserve a medal for getting through it. Beautiful weather. Got the chiminea set up in the garden and a random frog joined us for the inaugural marshmallow tasting, which made it extra exciting for the boys.  Swapped our bedtime routine so I did Z’s bath and bed. He protested a little at first, then we had a lovely chill time reading animal books before he laid down. Holiday has felt like a great little reset to help us shake up our evening routine.

 Took Z out for a morning stroll around the village in the backpack. Saw some horses and he immediately copied one when it started braying. Smart kid, and a great mimic. He has such a cool little controlled toe poke technique for kicking a football, too.  Char did both boys’ swimming lessons, which for me meant five times the stress and none of the fun. We need to figure out a better system now Z is swimming on Saturdays too. A took forever to go to sleep. Late night, but lovely snsm, so worth it :)

 Night out with the boys. Jazz club. Good food, great band. Had the urge to draw, so took a drawing kit out with me and sketched some of the crowd while listening to the band. Definitely better than just watching. You hear better without the visual distraction of watching the band and take in more of the scene by looking around. Turned out three decent portraits in blue coloured pencil. Discovered the Hemingway Special (aka Papa Doble) cocktail. Intense. Tart. Dangerous. Satisfies my newly developed taste for cherries.

 Yesterday was my first day of having both boys by myself all day for a while (Char has changed her working patterns, so I now have them all day on Tuesdays). Started by finding out A got into our first choice school. Sorted his nursery funding for the next term, went to playgroup, had fun playing at home, and got their haircut. A successful day’s parenting. Char, on the other hand, came home from having them today and said she hates looking after them by herself. Not good. Oh, and my new sales page went live today. Happy with it. Now I need to start driving traffic to it.

 Finally some good weather this weekend. Drove out to Hucknall with the boys and the blossom was out everywhere. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it look more spectacular. Built a wall for the new play area in the front garden. Looks pretty sweet. Let’s hope for a decent summer.

 Been meaning to write an entry for three weeks. Struggled to find time and been exhausted by late evening. Had a great time meeting the PP crew in Amsterdam. Felt like a family reunion. Everyone was so nice. And also so interesting! I think I was the only one who hadn’t lived in more than one country and only spoke one language. Great bunch of people, and we had an awesome few days together. Less work and more play than I expected. Ace boat ride through the city at sunset and super-fun improv theatre workshop (which I thought would be awkward and challenging but was actually a total blast). The city was cool too. Felt big, spacious, and chill, even though there’s tons to do and see. Not like cramped, rushed, stressful London at all. The Dutch are very cool and casual but still get shit done. City living doesn’t appeal to me these days, but if it did, Amsterdam would be high on the list. Spring is finally here: feels like winter lasted forever and suddenly here we are, just two mon...

It's 10:20pm. I'm writing this sitting on a stool in the dining room while I roast coffee for the morning. This isn't where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be asleep in a hotel bed in Amsterdam. Except I got bumped from my afternoon flight because it was oversubscribed. Apparently airlines can legally sell more tickets for a flight than the number of seats on the plane—on the assumption that one or two people won't turn up and the airline can occasionally keep the extra fare. Seems like a screwy rule to me. Doesn't benefit the customer. And no way could you do this at the theatre or a sporting event. But apparently it's okay for flights. The mind boggles. And when they oversell a flight? Well it's first come, first served. And it so happened that I was last in line today. Online check-in didn't work for me. And my satnav took me to a carpark 16 miles from the airport, adding 30 mins to my journey time. So I was persona non grata when I got to...

Woke up to a message from the supplement company asking me to write their emails. They’re asking a lot and paying little, but I said yes just to see where it goes.  Somehow ended up watching poker and Elliot Hulse videos today. Like jumping back in time a decade. Also watched an interesting video titled “how long will you postpone yourself?” And another on how you occasionally need to revisit parts of yourself you discarded in the past in order to move forwards. It resonated. Seems like the universe (or the YT algo, at least) is trying to tell me something.  Productive day on the computer. Wrote a will. Good day.

Birthday yesterday. 46. Approaching 50, but still feel super young (though maybe not physically). Cold, grey day. Woke early and sleepily watched Zen watching Yakka Dee in bed while everyone slept. He’s so great. Such a nice soul. Gave myself the day off. Everyone else preoccupied so I had the day to myself. Went to the designer outlet. Was kinda excited until I got there, then instantly realised it wasn’t as great a way to spend the day as I imagined. Didn’t buy anything. Had lunch alone in Wagamamas. Felt silly being alone.  It’s funny, bc when I’m immersed in things I enjoy on my own, I’m in my element. And I always used to like my own company while being out and about. I thought that was just who I was. But yesterday told me it ain’t so. Maybe some of my contentment in being alone was a reaction to being in a work environment most days. Or maybe it’s just different now I have a family.  Whatever, it felt so silly being there in my own and I’d have much rather had the fam i...