An Idea Some Day

Made the mistake of reading the news this week. Depressing as all hell. War everywhere—in increasing quantities.  And  of   course  the media spin it up sensationally to get clicks.  All superficial analysis, sound bites, and clickbait headlines about impending conscription and Total War. Still sickening to think about, regardless of how irrational it all is.  It  made for  not a good week.  Had  a knot in my stomach and an impending sense of dread and unease.  Bit  my nails to the quick and struggled to get much work done. I look at my sweet, innocent boys and struggle to fathom how people can be so cruel as to inflict war on one another.  To send others off to die on their behalf while they stay out of the way selling lies to get  people   onside .  For what? Pathetic, small-minded, and sickening.  Why can’t people work together for  the  benefit  of everyone ?  What’s all this zer...

Beautiful, crisp winter morning. Took a walk round the village after dropping the kids at nursery. Everywhere covered in frost under a bright blue sky. Golden light. Yesterday, I felt like I’d been run over by a bus. Today, a supreme sense of wellbeing.  The boys are growing up so fast. Ansel now waits in the car when I go to the shop rather than clinging to me the whole way around. Zen is trying to walk down the stairs by himself (he can do it with help). His speech is coming on strong. This morning, once I’d dressed him in the bedroom, he pointed to the floor and said, clear as day. “downstairs.” Incredible for a 15 month old.  Moving the boys into a shared room has gone better than expected. Zen wakes up and cries (and cries) but settles himself until about 3-4am, when he comes in with us. Ansel is sleeping through the night until about 6:30, then goes back to sleep if I get in with him. Doesn’t even wake when his brother cries at the top of his lungs most of the time....

Went to Saltburn Beach with Char and the boys. Busy.  Bright day again, and everybody was out walking. Lovey wholesome atmosphere. Ansel all cheeky smiles and Zen off fearlessly exploring. People all over the place.  A busker butchering a Pink Floyd song (the slow one with the meditative guitar solo full of note bends) on an out of tune guitar through a tiny amp. Practicing in public with a plastic mixing bowl to collect people’s coins by his feet. Bless him. Such a lovely two days at the beach. Going to miss having it on our doorstep now we’re back home. These two days away have felt really healing. I’ve developed a newfound appreciation for where I grew up, which, in a way, has led to a greater acceptance of myself. And perhaps this will help me let go of some limiting beliefs and have more confidence in myself.  Feel nothing but love for my family. Beautiful people.